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#0037

A friend of mine came up with a marketing idea for a product that has not yet been invented. But if you build it, they will come, right? So let’s outline the marketing plan, and some savvy business-person will decide to run with the production.

Situation Analysis

The original product, which we’ll call “V 1.0,” is faulty, and does not meet market demands. While it is flexible, stretchable, and self-healing, there are many unappealing aspects to the product. Like its pink color — so last season. Its shape makes no sense, and it really makes the product hideous and hard to understand.

V 1.0 is not aesthetically appealing in any light. It usually leaks, and is notoriously messy, with a very distinct smell. Also, it comes in so many shades and sizes (depending on frequency of usage  and reproductive history), that a comprehensive brand experience is almost impossible.

Normal usage of V 1.0 is unavoidably painful to both the purchasing and non-purchasing consumer. The original purpose for which it was invented is in actuality the most difficult way to use V 1.0, and its susceptibility to abuse makes it a risky product for consumers to own.

Having the V 1.0 makes the consumer weak, stupid, subject to discrimination, inexplicably emotional and hormonal, and prissy.

V 1.0’s lack of appeal leads to consumer behavior that does not perpetuate the human race. Unless something changes, we could become extinct as a species.

Creative strategy

We at McGillicutty Marketing want to make V 1.0 into a new product: V 2.0, the improved, appealing version of the world’s oldest commodity.

V 2.0 will appeal to all generations younger than the Baby Boomers (who, according to consumer research, seem to prefer the disgusting V 1.0, for reasons too blatantly sexist to explain here).

V 2.0 will be impervious to flaws, infection, disease, and abuse. Its shape will be radically redesigned, making normal usage convenient, simple and painless for all consumers.

V 2.0, instead of weakening and wussifying users like its predecessor, will empower them. Forget the age-old glass ceiling — V 2.0 will give its users a titanium rocket to blast to the top of the business world.

The purpose for which V 2.0 was originally created will be infinitely improved upon, increasing development speed and enhancing delivery to last less than 30 seconds and causing no pain to users.

V 2.0 will be infinitely elastic. It will be tear-resistant, water- and fire-repellent, unaffected by lunar or emotional cycles, and it will help its user float when tossed in open water.

V 2.0 will be an asset to everyone who has one, not a liability. Consumers unfamiliar with V 2.0 will gravitate toward users and owners of V 2.0 in hopes of being admitted to the new movement. V 2.0 will be the greatest thing to happen to mankind since the invention of chocolate.

V 2.0 will solve social ills. Abuse of V 2.0, its owners, and their offspring will be abolished by the inherent empowering aspects of V 2.0’s design. Debates and political or moral conflicts about lifelong commitments will be eliminated, as V 2.0 will attract consumers with such strength that their previous pursuits will become lost to memory.

Market Penetration (no pun intended)

V 2.0 will sweep the nation, beginning as a grassroots movement marketed from multiple corners of consumers’ everyday lives. We will introduce V 2.0 in New York City, as the latest fashion accessory for top models and designers.

We will install V 2.0 for celebrities cost-free, not even asking for endorsement (since this will come naturally with usage).

V 2.0 will quickly become a must-have for athletes, as its equalizing properties will give teams and individuals alike a unique edge over non-users of V 2.0.

Politicians will want V 2.0, and after using it will soon lobby to criminalize non-usage.

V 2.0 will bring about world peace, cure cancer and AIDS, and make unicorns real.

Get yours now.

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One thought on “#0037

  1. YESSSSS!!!

    Hahahahaha

    “Having the V 1.0 makes the consumer weak, stupid, subject to discrimination, inexplicably emotional and hormonal, and prissy.
    V 1.0′s lack of appeal leads to consumer behavior that does not perpetuate the human race.”

    “V 2.0 will bring about world peace, cure cancer and AIDS, and make unicorns real”

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