Tips for calling 800 numbers

At one time or another, each of us will punch in a bunch of digits to reach someone we don’t know at an undisclosed location. When you sigh with pleasure at having to dial that long-ass number, remember that there is someone at the other end orgasming at having to answer your sorry-ass phone call.

That overjoyed individual would be me, your friendly neighborhood Ministry Call Center Customer Service Representative. I so love this job. I’m certainly not working it because I need the money for rent or anything. I just love it. To make my day, pick up the phone and do the following:

  1. The computer screen in front of me takes information in a specific order. So when you call and start blurting out your street address and credit card number. You come across as a pushy, assuming a-hole, and I have to wait till you’re done barking at me to actually get anything done. But I like that. The call will go quicker if you let me lead the conversation, but who needs speed? Patience is not a virtue.
  2. Please interrupt me repeatedly. Even when the question you’re interrupting me to ask is something I was about to answer. Don’t shut up and wait for me to help you.
  3. Please have NO idea what you want when you dial. In fact, please forget what number you called. People do this all the time, and I love repeating the name of the ministry you’ve dialed six times and waiting for you to remember the reason you reached out to me at 2 a.m.
  4. Call me and say, “I want that book I saw on TV a couple years back. I don’t remember the title or the author, but it was about trusting God more.” I’m not going to be able to help you. I’m probably going to give you a different number in another part of the country so you can brighten someone else’s day. You’re so efficient.
  5. Dial the phone, and then gather all your children into the room where you are on the phone. Pinch each of them so that by the time I answer, they’re all screaming and the phone conversation is a complete failure. Better yet, turn your TV volume up all the way, and sit three feet in front of it because you are a blind old lady. Which reminds me…
  6. Please be old and partially deaf. Don’t hear anything I say to you. Make me yell into the phone. I like going home hoarse. I approve of giving old people access to telephones. I love you guys.
  7. I’ve been waiting all day to hear your sob story. So when you call the prayer line, spend ten minutes explaining to me your situation with the girl you think God has destined you to woo and marry (nevermind the fact that she’s engaged to someone 100 lbs healthier and significantly more employed than you) or the dynamics of your come-and-go knee pains. I’m going to type “Caller needs prayer” in the computer form, and then pray for “God’s will to be done in the situation.” Even after calling 17 times in a row, you still won’t understand that at 9PM on a Friday night, I SO TOTALLY DON’T CARE. Thanks for being such a winner at life.
  8. Call me, ask me to pray for your loneliness, and then masturbate to the sound of my voice. That’s my favorite. In fact, do it 47 times in my six-hour shift. I’ll keep a tally so I can brag about it in my blog, Chris.
  9. When a product is available for a donation of any amount, please tell me that all you have on your card is $0.27. The ministry loves wasting time and money on cheap-o’s like you.
  10. Please get angry when I don’t pray word-for-word the way you wanted me to. I mean, you called me for prayer, right? You’re paying me to pray, right? Oh, wait. You’re not. My supervisors, who will penalize me for this twenty-minute phone call, are. But get mad at me anyways. It turns me on.
  11. Please call and ask to speak directly with the CEO of our company. Of course he’s hanging out at the call center and not hidden away in his high-brow corporate office. He was just sitting here sharing his snack pack of chips-ahoy with me,  hoping you’d ask for him. He didn’t have anything else to do all day, anyway.
  12. Lastly, call, hang up, and repeat. About 487 times per day. Even if you’ve been holding for 20 minutes. I love this almost as much as when the masturbator calls. Such joy.

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