Did I mention living with roommates makes for lots of adventure? And I’ve discovered that the intrigue increases with the age of the roommate you live with. My boyfriend has a 37-year-old roommate named Hal. Hal has a much younger wife named Ashley. I’m not even living with them, and they have spiced up my life.

Ashley doesn’t live with Hal. They are legally separated. But she spends the night there pretty much every night. Ashley must not have many friends, because when my boyfriend comes home from work, she leaps out of the bedroom where she’s been playing Xbox all day, to chat his ears off. The things she has to talk about are interesting.

Ashley used to be a stripper. That’s how she met Hal when she was 16. She brags about her glory days, when she used to get in fights with crack whores who accused Ashley of stealing their customers. Ashley says indignantly, she was just doing her thang, and those bitches can say sumthin to mah face if they gots sumthin to say. Ashley is white.

No one can stand Ashley. Apparently, even her children. She and Hal have three children, but these kids are under custody of the state, apparently because Ashley and Hal couldn’t get along. But don’t get Ashley talking about her family history, it’s full of drugs, abuse, shotguns, and peril. All, of course, with Ashley as the victim.

Ashley and Hal smoke incessantly and neither has a car, so they take the bus everywhere. When Hal takes Ashley out for a movie at the dollar theater, she puts on high heeled shoes that lace up her calf, spandex leggings, and a tank top with no bra. She slathers on the make up and struts through the living room, shouting, “Bye, y’all!”

Ashley has a formidable attitude, and is very opinionated. My boyfriend and I were sitting in the kitchen eating strawberries one day, when Ashley decided to give us the lowdown on how women and men are supposed to relate. Women are always supposed to clean. Men don’t clean ever, Ashley told us, and they shouldn’t clean, because their women should do it. The woman’s job is to cook and clean and raise the children, and the man should bring home a paycheck. But, Ashley states vehemently, the man must always take out the trash.

Ashley can get a little grumpy when it comes to other women around Hal. When I’m visiting my boyfriend Ashley gets very antsy. Another woman in the house with Hal? Hell no. So she makes sure she’s there to monitor. She stands in the middle of the living room like a zombie, waiting for opportunities to flip out.

The funniest and saddest part about the whole thing is that her jealousy and big talk only annoy people, and have no effect on keeping her husband loyal. When Ashley doesn’t spend the night, or she isn’t at the apartment when he gets home from work, he goes off to a neighboring apartment for a few hours. Some haggard black lady lives there, and asks my boyfriend when she sees him, “When is my friend gunna be home?”

Poor Ashley and poor Hal. What a sad existence. Thank you, though, for the entertainment and blog material.


2 thoughts on “#0015

  1. Anyone who uses the word “y’all” with such frequency and abandon immediately loses any authority when they speak. Fantastic description of her though!

  2. Pingback: #0030 | On the Side

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